Mosaic of Minds: Why do autistic people reverse pronouns? An extremely preliminary look at the literature

Mosaic of Minds: Why do autistic people reverse pronouns? An extremely preliminary look at the literature

Pronoun Problems (Asides on Self-Loathing and Gender)

This may not be anywhere approaching a verbally speaking Autistic universal, but I have indeed met many others with this feature, and it is fresh in my mind because of last night.  (This was going to be about one topic but the topic led to other asides, so I added the other topics to the title in parentheses.)

Sometimes, although I think I seem to speak fairly fluently, I call myself “you.”

This is different from the idiomatic use of “you” as in “y’all” or “one” to indicate a belief that I have access to everyone else’s feelings or experience.  It is an accidental usage that happens when I am tired or nervous or upset and it causes me to make statements I do not agree with, straight up.

Last night, on the radio, which turned out to be a lot of fun (but I was shockingly nervous about it) I am pretty sure I said something like this: “You need the right partner [to be able to raise kids].”  This is not something I actually believe, at all, especially since I know that Paula, who was there, is a fabulously successful single mother, just for one example.  What I do know and believe is that I need the right partner, and would not have undertaken to have children prior to meeting my Layenie.  Additionally, the question was about me, not “you,” “y’all,” or “one.”  And so.

When I was younger, the “you” substitution happened more frequently, and more catastrophically.  For example, I regularly used to say, in a fight, right before my exit stage left, some rendition of “you’re crazy.”  This is wrong and ableist; and in addition to that, I said it precisely when I was afraid I was going to “lose it” and must therefore leave the scene to avoid being viewed engaging in “S.I.B.” etc.  I was talking about myself.  Back then, I believed my autism to be a kind of mental illness label because it was in the DSM-III.  Maybe it is or was, but anyway, irrelevant.  To me it was okay for me to be ableist and homophobic about myself, because in my own mind, I was not a person, but an alien, so my respect for persons ethics did not apply.  (This history probably contributes to why I am so enormously upset by dehumanizing language and the like, other than the fact that dehumanizing language and the like is heinous.)  Of course, the listener had no way of knowing I was talking about myself.   For all the world, I had just called her crazy or something equally offensive and mean, despite the fact that I have never otherwise assented to wrong-treatment of people with mental illness labels such as using them as if they were a slur, or anything like that.  It would happen in this one type of case.  

Self-loathing is a horrible thing, was for me, made me think nothing of lashing out in ways I can never agree with when I look at them as my full informed self.  I see other people doing this kind of thing and it is heartbreaking so I try to be understanding but it is not always easy but I have to try since I was such a punk.

If you are reading this, any of you to whom I have done this sort of thing, and I have not yet apologized to you, please know that I am very sorry about it, and I hope you now know how much I regret not having been able to treat you better then.  As a kid I was troubled and looking back I think unkind and sometimes even ghastly, and now I am happy and probably still sort of annoying, but I do work hard at being decent.

In the nineties, when it was all the rage, I was able to take advantage of the fad and do a lot of drilling in “I Language,” which helped a lot with this part of the pronoun problem.  But I began to notice it in other people with autism.  Even in simple declaratives, such as Pat telling me I wanted a hot dog.  Of course I did not want a hot dog, as I am vegetarian, but it was easy and natural for me to understand his language and realize that he was not trying to prognosticate about my state of hunger in any way.

Still there are pronoun problems receptively that have not been drilled out, and I do not know how to drill them out, and I will talk about them here now because people who know me well have encountered this, but not everyone will have done.  Also, it occurs to me, this might be a problem for others, and if so, it might be a problem for schoolchildren and thus have bearing on say reading comprehension tests.

When my friends tell me a story with other people in the story, if there are more than two characters, I may get lost in the pronouns.  The proverbial he-said/she-said story is often literally the best I can follow, and if there’s another he or she in the mix, I might stop you and say, hang on, will you tell me this again using everyone’s name and no pronouns?  This might happen even if the story is simple and obvious.  I do not know why.  It may not help if I know all the people.  It sometimes doesn’t even help if the sentences start with the correct person’s name!  I still can get mixed up, and keep stopping your story with confused questions about like, wait-wait, so Jeannie was driving the semi? Hehe no silly, Jeannie is three years old.  Pronouns are not my friend.

There is a bright side to this.  I will use this platform to talk about the bright side because it can also bring awareness of a thing that is intersectional and not everyone may know about.  Grin. 

Some people do not use the pronouns 'he/him' or 'she/her' to refer to themselves.  For example, they might prefer the singular 'they/their'.  There are also a form of pronoun that goes 'ze/zir' and other neologisms related to this.  These exist because of rejecting binary notions of gender.  However, many times, others do not respect people’s right to choose their own ways to identify themselves, which disrespect is uncool, or, and I think this is less uncool, but something I can help with here, they simply are not aware to ask about it, because not everyone has heard of cutting edge things like rejecting the binary.

When you are like me, and you already know you are going to mess up pronouns all over the place, you have a lot of internal latitude to ask over and over, and also, you don’t really mess up people’s personal pronouns that much because you have a verbal habit of using names whenever possible to avoid them.  Grin.  Bright side.

Now I would like to warmly invite other people to share experiences related to pronoun mixups, with self or kids, if any such experiences exist.  I don’t know how usual these problems are.

Thanks,

Ib

Why Do So Many Autistic People Love Trains?

In honor of National Train Day, which is this coming Saturday May 11th, the day before Mother’s Day, I’m going to answer one of my most Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs).  I’m doing this theme now to give everyone a head’s up because National Train Day is only six years old now and not so well known yet.  You don’t want to miss it, because your local train station probably has wonderful free events going on (click here to see if there are Facebook invites).  So this is also a Public Service Announcement (PSA).

Why do so many Autistic people love trains?

To answer this question, I can speak from the personal standpoint, and also as someone who is well educated and knows a great many other Autistic people who have filled in gaps in my own education.

I have ridden a large number of Amtrak lines and discussed most others in graphic detail with Autistic colleagues as well as having been a passenger on large lines in Belgium, Germany, France, England, Canada and Scotland.  As for commuter trains, I have taken a variety of such in the aforementioned countries, in addition to the USA, including the debut of MAX in Portland, OR, as well as BART, the Metra and Metro, the T, the L, and the good old NYC Subway.  This list is nowhere near exhaustive, but I still do not want to leave out the fabulous EuroStar.

One last thing I will tell you here that I have not written before is that in the 'eighties, I also rode in some boxcars on one of the Union Pacific lines.  I have since found out that the “Piper” we would have to pay upon arrival at some particular bridge we never actually came to cross is not a charming colloquial expression for Conductor on a freight train.   Sorry about that, Union Pacific.  I love you forever.

For all the trains I have ridden, I have watched and discussed many, many more.

And thus can give you my answer:

We love trains because they are excellent, and also awesome.

Happy National Train Day, and Happy Mother’s Day!

Love, 
Ib 

Tiny Grace Notes Celebrates 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013

72 Ausome Things:

Steamengines dapples twinkles twirling light music sparkling trains water spirals hexagons airplanes sailboats lightrail trees cars ferries lakes clouds triangles logic dodecahedrons cats dictionaries diesels intermodal maps cranes hummingbirds motherboards laptops bubbles propellers canoes trails yurts books fiddles movies lakes bikes wheels encyclopedias globes mobiles art mixers metronomes clocks helicopters freighters semis poetry numbers letters dogs squirrels rivers leaves fish babies rocks paper sparrows octagons trucks taxis thesauruses dinosaurs multiples of twelve.

I can only write 72 of the thousand ausome things right now because I need to sleep, and sleep is one of them, the 71st.  My friends will write about other ausome things.

But for my part, I am saving the best for last: you.  You are ausome.

Love,

Ib

Helping Your Autistic Teen In Transition

***Note from Ib: This was commissioned as a general tip sheet for an organization, but I also want to reprint it to here in case it will be of use to any of my readers.  It is about the transition of leaving school, and is a bit US-centric in parts.  Sorry about that; after I finish converging ideas for Dealing With Family Matters, I'll write an article about transition in general, not centered so much on US law.



Transitions of any kind are difficult for most people, and they’re even more of a challenge for Autistic people and teenagers, and now you are helping your Autistic teenager face Transition with a capital T.  This is the big one, and it is complex.

School Transition Services

Starting from the age of 14, transition planning must start in schools, by law.  Note that in some states, it must actually be implemented at this time, whereas in other states the schools have until age 16 to implement the planning that began at 14.  Unfortunately, schools do not always seem to be aware of this, and it can be left to parents to keep track.  (An Autistic person who is also a Special Education Professor and family advocate and has sadly seen this all too often is writing this tip sheet.)  So: the first thing to do is make sure the school is on top of the situation at the correct age.

Post-School Services

One of the things that are of paramount importance is to find out how, in your area, services are obtained once school is over.  In all likelihood there is a gigantic waiting list and a byzantine system.  Learn the system early and often; sign up for the waiting lists right now.

Now, What Are Some Specifics To Think About?  For living:

§  Where to live

§  Skills for living (practical)

o   Self-advocacy skills

o   Cooking

o   Communication using voice, sign, PECS or AAC as necessary

o   Transportation

o   Budgeting

o   Keeping safe

o   Laundry

o   Etc.

§  Skills for living (social/emotional/sensory)

o   Self-advocacy skills

o   Dealing with neighbors/roommates/landlord

o   Communication using voice, sign, PECS or AAC as necessary

o   Coping with potential noise pollution or aromatic overload, etc.

o   Making friends and relationships

o   Keeping safe

o   Etc.

For working or college:

§  What type of work to do or college to go to

§  Where to work or go to college

§  How to get a job or get into college

§  Supported employment/job coaching/training/other work/community college/university?

§  Skills for working/school (practical)

o   Self-advocacy skills

o   Work-dependent skills and the ability to learn them

o   Work-ethic and the ability to signal it

o   Communication using voice, sign, PECS or AAC as necessary

o   Etc.

§  Skills for working/school (social)

o   Self-advocacy skills

o   Knowing how to be a colleague or student

o   Communication using voice, sign, PECS or AAC as necessary

o   Learning where/how to access the hidden curriculum of a workplace or campus

o   Feeling confident choosing contexts for various activities

o   Ability to recognize and regulate needs

o   Keeping safe

o   Etc.

These are just a few of the things to keep in mind for transition planning in the formal sense, to get you started.  It’s not exhaustive and it’s also not mandatory.  Plenty of people don’t choose to do all or any of these things for cultural, personal or other reasons.  There are also informal aspects and arrangements to consider.

In one example, because the employment prospects were so unpromising and the wait-list for services so long and also unpromising, a father known to this writer positioned himself on his beautiful historic town’s Chamber of Commerce, giving himself ample time to make the connections needed to make sure his son had a well-fitting job opportunity despite being a person who does not necessarily adore job interviews or such like.  As you know, parents do what they must.

You also know that a lot of what you will be helping with in transition is the emotional and sensory turmoil that comes along with changes, and these changes are all big and important ones.  You may be feeling shaky yourself now, because this is not the easiest of times, but rest assured: you do not need a tip sheet to know how to be there to support your teenager as only a parent can.  You know how to listen and to love unconditionally, and that is the most important thing.

I’m Autistic. Should I Self-Disclose?

I’m Autistic. Should I self-disclose? 

It depends.  There are pros and cons to self-disclosure, and a lot has to do with the context you are in, and how much you trust those around you.  This can be hard to figure out.  This short piece will list some potential pros and cons to think about when deciding about telling people in a particular place and time about your Autism, and also give some tips about how to figure out how you feel about your context.

This can be scary territory.  Remember, self-disclosure is a very personal topic.  There is nothing to be ashamed of in being Autistic.  There is also nothing to be ashamed of in keeping yourself safe.  It’s a balancing act.

If you have read this blog before, you know that it is written by someone who spent the early professional years mostly “in the closet” (trying to not let anyone know, with various amounts of success) and then recently decided to widely and deliberately self-disclose in all sorts of public, so therefore has comparison knowledge about both situations.

Six Good Things About Disclosing

1. You don’t have to worry about people finding out because you are in control of them finding out

2. You get a chance to educate people about things you need, or about Autism in general, instead of listening to people just make assumptions all day

3. You can access legal protections (you can get these by disclosing only to the HR office, or the appropriate authorities; you don’t have to tell everyone)

4. It is easier for others in the community online and in real life to find you and make friends

5. You can feel a sense of pride in who you are, and hold your head up high, and not hide

6. You can march in parades and join solidarity groups like ASAN, which gives you more power in life!

Six Not So Good Things About Disclosing

1. Some ignorant people will suddenly act like you are automatically incompetent and talk down to you

2. These same types of people might decide to leave you out of things if they are not already doing that

3. Other people might be afraid to approach you or ask you questions because they are nice but they don’t know what Autism is and they are scared of new information

4. Some people believe false beliefs about Autism, and they might apply these to you

5. Explaining about things too much can make you kind of tired
6. Other well meaning people who are nice but don't understand might make you do more things because they need a token disabled person, which also makes you tired

You might notice that the good things and the not so good things are sort of equal in weight, so they don’t automatically make the decision easy.  This is where the context and people come in, but people are hard to predict.

So to figure this out, you really have to think about yourself.  Here is a grid about what you might think when you read the above lists that can help you decide.  You can use it to read the Pro and Con list again, and see which reaction matches yours the most.  Then, see if the answer that the grid gives you feels good.  Remember, there’s no right or wrong, there’s only your choice of what is comfortable.   Also remember you don't have to tell everyone there is: you can make this choice in stages. And you don't have to tell anyone.  It's up to you to do what you want because you are you and you are the one who chooses.  When I finally told the world, I was very glad I did, though, just to let you know one person's experience.  You can sort of tell because of who I am on the rest of this blog that the positives outweigh the negatives, for me.  Best of luck to you on your own journey!

***Note from Ib: This blog post and the next are general questions asked of me in general and answered more widely.  I am working on the answer to "Dealing With Family Matters" who has a very delicate and important personal question that has been in the hopper and it's taking me a while to actually work it out.  DWFM... I am asking for a lot of family advice and also input from wise people I know on your dilemma and I hope I can help!

Open-Heartedness

Lately I have heard from some new parents (what I mean by that is really parents of kids more recently diagnosed) that they had felt like they wouldn’t be able to find other people on the web they could relate to because they didn’t agree with or want to hear doom and gloom and negativity.

I’ve also recently heard from some Autistic colleagues that they are sick and tired of being berated, silenced and otherwise treated with disrespect “by parents.”  I could relate to the feeling, but it’s that “by parents” thing that got me thinking.

This is when I remembered that I hadn’t yet written about my visit to Hirsch Academy in Decatur, Georgia.

Most people’s parents are not like the small handful of loudly vocal people who show up repeatedly to write unkind things to and about Autistic adults, and sometimes even their own children (I won’t get into that, because it’s really too triggering).

Because I am a person who prepares special ed teachers and doc students for a living, I meet a lot of people, and a lot of them are parents of kids, and a lot of the kids these parents have are kids with autism.  I get to know them over time, and see the wonderful work they do as pre-service teachers, and often keep in touch with what they are doing after they graduate.  These are good and loving people, dedicated to life-long learning.  This is my general background knowledge of other people’s parents.  This is hundreds or maybe by now a thousand-odd of people, not just a loud handful.

Cut to my experience at Hirsch, which really drove this home so much it brought tears to my eyes.  Shelley Carnes and Leslie Smith there who run the homey, inviting little school brought me, Landon Bryce and Brenda Rothman to come and speak for the inaugural session of their “Our Voices” series, which they put on in the city of Atlanta and opened to the public for all who are interested in Autistic and allied viewpoints.

Shelley and Leslie are parents, and a lot of the teachers were too.  Many of the parents came to see us at the school before the event, and so did the teachers.  They asked questions, which also helped us fine-tune what to talk about in the speaking portion.  They clearly cared about the answers and believed we were human beings worthy of respect and even honor.

During the large talk, picture a giant room full of parents: a giant room or a small auditorium.  Like a large church they numbered.  So it wasn’t a stadium, but the audience was plentiful enough that I started out calming myself down using theatrical preparation breathing.  And then this happened: This giant room full of over a hundred parents emanated so much open-mindedness, and—if this is not a word, it should be—open-heartedness that I felt perfectly comfortable telling them to feel free to ask me anything.

This is what parents are really like.  Parents of Hirsch Academy, you can ask me anything you want, whenever you like.  And I hope I can come see you real soon.  And I hope you come to TASH, which is in Chicago, where I live.  Much love.

So for everyone else who is having a hard time getting beyond the really super vocal handful? Hang in there, stick around; I have some wonderful people to introduce you to.  Parents like yourselves, the kind I’ve observed (from the honest and sensitive questions and comments) who read this particular blog.

Because check it out.  All those wonderful, loving, open people in Georgia?  That was just in Georgia.  And only in one part of Georgia.  It’s a big, wide world, full of love and compassion and sparkles on the water and dapples in the trees.

Love,
Ib